Well

When I take time to ponder my life 

Sometimes, I wonder inside 

What have I actually done ?

What else am I keeping her from? 

Although, I know 

Love is love 

Rare for most 

Or at least some 

It shouldn't feel as though I'm holding her back

As with me, her life will always lack 

The many things she desires 

Until I'm gone 

Dead

Black 

What Happened

I'm not sure which occurred first 

I lost a piece or perhaps pieces of myself 

I may have destroyed them 

Stressed them 

Shared them 

Or even given them away.

I opened myself up in every way 

So much so that every slash,

Every painful word she'd say 

Hurt more than I knew 

I thought if I kept giving 

It would hold her spite at bay

Only now I've begun to see

That spite has been inside her long before me 

The love I thought we had may have been her muse

A long distraction from the spark to her fuse

I think I'm done feeling used 

Thoughts

I think I'm making my families lives...less lively. The past five years have been wonderful and frustrating and beautiful and difficult. Challenging. I've been incredibly fortunate to find love. With that love, that grew from childhood, came parenthood. And 8 years in, jump out of the car on the freeway and run as hard as you can to keep up or fail the child that's already in some ways been failed. Or at least left to try to adapt in a very uncomfortable situation for a kid. 

Stress, is something we're familiar with. Everyone is, but we have stresses that help us in a lot of ways. Our stresses tend to make normal stresses easier to adjust to in some ways but of course when we're being affected by our stresses they seem to intensify others. 

I work in a physically demanding field and I have always stayed on top of my fitness, because I knew I needed to from a fairly young age. It helped me to continue the work I do, that helps keep me moving. The last three years, it's been very difficult to find motivation and extra time to work out the way I should be. Knowing that I have two other people depending on me and now living with me, I can't not see what extra work I can find to get in extra hours every day because I know I can't be comfortable or relaxed not having some financial padding. She works too, but she really enjoys her job. I'm very jealous of that, but incredibly happy for her. I can't say the same about my job, but I'm good at it. I take pride in the fact that, as big as my company is and as much as they've grown in the time I've been with them, they've never until recently felt that they need another person working with me in my region, which covers several counties and 9 locations. The other 17 locations are covered by 10-15 people. I started with very little experience. Enough to handle most basic tasks, and within 6 months my supervisor was laid off and I was told to take on his responsibilities (of which I had very limited knowledge) and I have managed myself, and just learned as much as possible because I had drive and was not going to fail.  

Fast forward to parenthood and finding less and less time to exercise and finding more excuses not to. My mobility has severely decreased. I'm not comfortable, ever. I can't stand in one spot so I do this wonderful dance that everyone very kindly pretends not to see, but I feel it. I feel that loss of control just a little bit more than I did yesterday. I saw this with my mom. It's what motivated me when I was younger to stay active. 

I don't live anymore. Not like I used to. Now I have wonderful, brief moments where I'm doing well enough to take a trip somewhere on the weekend but I'm watching my family live without me. That's not their fault and they're not doing anything wrong. They need to be able to live. I just wish I felt good enough to do that too

Choices

It would be easier 

No effort, no struggle 

No harsh words, 

A welcome end to pain

No constant reminders of everyday life 

No more loss or gain 

Just the decision to make 

And follow through 

The outcome instant, irreversible 

As you always knew 

The whispers you'll never have to hear 

The disappointment you'll put others through 

It's never even brought on fear 

At least it will hurt nobody new

You'll end the burden you cause now

Just do it 

Do it quickly 

Before you make another excuse 

Their lives would have been so much better 

If they never encountered you 

Do it now 

Just fucking follow through 

Last Heard

And the flesh tore away
Open and raw
The ear never ingested another sound
Not quite the same, anyway
The words fell out so freely
So full of every emotion,
Except that of love or compassion
Yet full of a lurking hindrance
"Yes, I want to spend time with you,
But not every minute "

Enough

I'm getting so tired of all this blind hatred
Everyone is so sure they know who's at fault
Nobody sees that everyone has created it
The stubborn, archaic ideologies that have it written in their creed
The mythology on all sides
It's a perfect place for it to breed
The unknowing knowledge everyone seems so sure they have
Not one of you has any clue
Though you watch our planet lose its glue
Our world leaders fill their pockets
News outlets, media too
They're all getting rich
While humankind is getting screwed
Though there's a different channel, different site, different view
God dammit, how about this;
We're all humans
Let's educate ourselves and love a little more
I swear it can start with you

Haunting Dreams

There are these visions in my head
Though not one of them are new
Until the day my mind is dead
These sights I see, often of you
They stay with me in place of what I know was never mine
The memories I have I know I'll never allow to fade with time
It's likely I'll never truly let them go
It's the only way I see, you know
I'll have the ones I want , I need , I guess
I knew it's all that it would ever be